so far, so good.

*happy sigh*

2008, you sure know how to make a girl feel welcome :oP

19 days into the new year and this is where life finds me:

blessed.
in love.
newly employed.
delightfully humbled.
kickin' it old school and writing in my journal again.

wooot. wooot, indeed. :oD

apples and onions, indeed.

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

...

My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open...

-- from Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love"

a special and very amused thank-you shout to tess for sending me this song - it couldn't have come at a better time... :oP - and you're totally right. this sooo would have been my mmc solo LOL!

sweet november. i am happy - how long this will last, i have absolutely no idea; but the fact that this feeling is very much evident in my life right now has given me hope for new beginnings and perhaps just a whole different perspective on love and life. it's rather exhilarating, really - and according to my friends who know me well enough to notice, for the past couple of weeks i've been walking around with a little more pep in my step, appearing to be radiantly glowing of joyful brilliance.

... sometimes all a girl really wants to know is that she's worth it: worth the risk, worth the fight, worth the pursuit, worth believing in, worth the wait; and of course, worth being accepted and appreciated for being exactly who she is, "wobbly bits" and all - no more, no less.

surprisingly in my 26 years of being on this earth, i never really had a genuine opportunity to experience that - until tonight. and though a huge part of me is ridiculously terrified to once again find myself shaking hands with vulnerability, an even bigger part of me is quite excited to watch yet another life-chapter unfold before my very eyes...

a slight faith-kick in the pants...

I say no to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say no to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say no to just letting it stay that way
Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me
I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me
I'm believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I'm believing that You've got a plan for me
I'm believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let faith arise again...

-- from Jason Upton's "Faith"

a little boy has seemed to have captured my heart. his name is jp, and he is currently staying at sick kids' hospital, courtesy of the "herbie foundation" - jp was diagnosed with a rare skeletal deformity which affects not only his facial features, but also gives him difficulty in seeing and breathing to name a few; frequently undergoing grueling surgery after grueling surgery in order to help correct it all. he's been visiting our church with his family over the past few months now, and every time i see him, my heart completely overflows. it is absolutely ridiculous how contagious his joy is; how so much delight and wonderment could exude from his little body, and i always find myself wondering where all that amazing energy and enthusiasm is coming from.

and the moment he quietly unexpectedly places his hand in mine, all of my own worries and insecurities about all things life-related just suddenly burst into confetti.

for the past couple of months, i've been frustrated, disappointed and even feeling somewhat defeated by my constant struggle of finding full-time employment and/or simply not knowing what "plan b" is. however, after checking my e-mail tonight and seeing pictures of this boy who has to endure a lot more than i will probably ever experience in my lifetime; my problems seem rather petty and small... it's a humbling feeling, but one that i believe to be long overdue in its arrival. if this young boy can still reflect exuberant joy despite his own life-challenges, who am i really to mope and complain about my own idleness and uncertainty when there is still so much of life to be truly thankful for?

yes, i may feel broken, but as i always remind myself in every funk that i find myself in, "this too shall pass." somewhere, there is beauty that lies deep beneath the cracks. and as that beauty starts to push through that darkness and into the light, my faith will rise up again...

just another day at oxford learning...

at the end of class, while going over lesson re-call with one of my grade 1 students and my education director...

education director: okay, before you leave, tell me what you worked on today with miss estelle.
student: the "short u" sound.
education director: could you give me a word that has the "short u" sound?
student: um... "up"
education director: great! how about a word that has the "short u" sound in the middle?
student: uh... (looks pensively around the room) "truck."
education director: can you give me a word that rhymes with "truck?"
student: (innocently without absolutely no hesitation whatsoever) "fuck."

(insert the sound of our jaws dropping to the floor in total shock here)

in my head: that was soooo NOT part of our lesson today!
education director: (after a couple of minutes) ... do you think you could maybe think of a *nicer* word that rhymes with "truck?"
student: (pauses) uh... "suck?"
education director: (blinking twice) okay then... (closes the book) i think that's all for now.

unknowingly the dad of this precious little boy had come early to pick him up and had heard the lesson re-call from outside of the classroom. he walked in sheepishly and couldn't help but notice the level of slight awkwardness that lingered in the room. like the both of us, he was just as confused as to where his son was picking it up from, and was sure that he probably didn't understand the profanity that was associated with *that* word... apparently in their language, the word "fuck" actually means "i do," which made some sense as to why my student was so naturally inclined to say it without anything holding him back... oy.

of course, we should have totally seen it coming. yeeeesh.

a blog about hair.

hair. we all have it; some of us *used to* have it but in any case, most of us know what it feels like to have a great coiffe of hair on your head. a bit over a month ago, after the dude butchered my hair (as mentioned on my july 26, 2007 blog), i had a glimpse of what samson must have felt like after delilah cut it all off - mind you, i may not have lost my super-strength, but a huge part of me had fallen with the chunks of hair that fell to the floor on that sad, sad day in july; and to be honest, i didn't feel quite the same after that... and even after a month of getting that haircut, i still winced at the sight of my uneven ponytail that clearly showed that one side was much longer than the other... yikes.

today, i decided to muster up all my inner strength and what was left of my self-esteem and decided to go back where it all started; except, with a new hairdresser. she was lovely, and took amazing care of me, to the point where she even fought to give me the cut for free because of the travesty that previously was my hair - now if that ain't customer service, i dunno what is :oP. and now, everything is layered the way it should be, the bangs fall the way they're supposed to, and by golly, she thankfully used a LIP BRUSH instead of an EYE SHADOW brush when touching-up my lip gloss.

today is a new day, indeed. and for those of you reading this, amused by my need to blog about a simple haircut gone bad and think i'm either absolutely bored with myself, or have gone cuckoo for cocoapuffs; that *may* be so, but i invite you to step into my shoes during what had happened just this past month, and *then* tell me how actually absurd i am :oP

notes to self: (1) it actually *is* okay to complain when the occasion arises - no matter HOW attractive any hairdresser can be. after all, at the end of the day, they're still going to be attractive while YOU'RE the one who has to deal with the bum haircut. (2) sometimes, you just gotta sit back and realize how truly amusing and blessed life can be :o)

happy day.

even after several years, some things just never change. tonight, i came to appreciate this a great deal after reuniting with some quite phenomenal people who i feel greatly blessed to have as friends - a kind reminder that life really does exist outside the context of jobhunts and usual busy-ness.

it's been a long while since i could remember the last time i spent hours just laughing until my sides hurt and not having a single care in the world...

thank God for the beauty of friendship and for His perfect timing.

leave it to a meg ryan & tom hanks movie to inspire some life-reflection...

and it all started with this quote:

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

-- Kathleen Kelly from You've Got Mail

i can hear the bells...

currently listening to (again): the Hairspray movie soundtrack (2007)

how lovely would it be if life was just one huge musical... :o)