a slight faith-kick in the pants...

I say no to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say no to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say no to just letting it stay that way
Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me
I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me
I'm believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I'm believing that You've got a plan for me
I'm believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let faith arise again...

-- from Jason Upton's "Faith"

a little boy has seemed to have captured my heart. his name is jp, and he is currently staying at sick kids' hospital, courtesy of the "herbie foundation" - jp was diagnosed with a rare skeletal deformity which affects not only his facial features, but also gives him difficulty in seeing and breathing to name a few; frequently undergoing grueling surgery after grueling surgery in order to help correct it all. he's been visiting our church with his family over the past few months now, and every time i see him, my heart completely overflows. it is absolutely ridiculous how contagious his joy is; how so much delight and wonderment could exude from his little body, and i always find myself wondering where all that amazing energy and enthusiasm is coming from.

and the moment he quietly unexpectedly places his hand in mine, all of my own worries and insecurities about all things life-related just suddenly burst into confetti.

for the past couple of months, i've been frustrated, disappointed and even feeling somewhat defeated by my constant struggle of finding full-time employment and/or simply not knowing what "plan b" is. however, after checking my e-mail tonight and seeing pictures of this boy who has to endure a lot more than i will probably ever experience in my lifetime; my problems seem rather petty and small... it's a humbling feeling, but one that i believe to be long overdue in its arrival. if this young boy can still reflect exuberant joy despite his own life-challenges, who am i really to mope and complain about my own idleness and uncertainty when there is still so much of life to be truly thankful for?

yes, i may feel broken, but as i always remind myself in every funk that i find myself in, "this too shall pass." somewhere, there is beauty that lies deep beneath the cracks. and as that beauty starts to push through that darkness and into the light, my faith will rise up again...